


Somebody That I Used To Know

by judelizowski



Category: Your Favorite Martian
Genre: Abandonment, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Therapy, like this is just a long ass therapy session, puff has hooked up with everyone but there's not really any relationships, puff has issues, this is my first time publishing how the fuck do tags work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29868144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judelizowski/pseuds/judelizowski
Summary: Puff-Puff is taken to therapy against his will by his Grandma, and must detail his mental anguish and falling out with the other band members to a complete stranger.
Kudos: 3





	Somebody That I Used To Know

"You can't make me! Get your dirty paws off me asshole!" Puff-Puff protested as his grandma checked him in.

The singer meandered around the waiting room, giving perhaps too much thought to where to sit. At last he found a chair higher and seemingly more comfortable than the others and made himself seated with defiant, crossed arms. He performed his scorn in an almost comical fashion, with his black eyebrows pointed far too low against his bitter, onyx eyes. Below him ran a crowd of poorly supervised children, skipping around the waiting room as they impatiently awaited the next announcement. The radio station played the same five songs, in hopes of soothing the not-so-patient patients. 

Puff's grandma took a seat next to him, making pleasant conversation with the kids and pleasantly scrolling through Facebook. Her grandson simply rolled his eyes and bounced his leg longingly. He thought it disgustingly in-character of her to drop him off at a children's counseling clinic. She still thought of him as nothing more than an overgrown child. 

At long last a voice interrupted the calamity.

"Puff-Puff? Do we have a Puff-Puff?" 

"Right here!" His grandma replied, grabbing his hand and dragging the unwilling man to his counselor. 

"Now I'll wait right here for you sweetie! I'm sure this will only take a minute," she told her grandson, stepping back into the waiting room. 

Puff immediately yanked at the doorknob, which, much to his dismay, was not budging. 

"So... what brings you here, sir?" A bland, grey-haired man adorned with similarly boring grey glasses and surprise surprise--a gray jacket--inquired.

"I'm here against my will dickhead! And I'm _not_ talking!"

"So, why did..." he checked his papers, making sure he got his information correct "...your grandma feel it necessary to bring you here?" 

"I don't know! That bitch is all worried, but look at me! I'm perfectly well-adjusted!"

"Mhm. Right... so _why_ exactly, is she so concerned?"

"I had this band..." Puff scowled. " _I_ sang a bunch of fucking fire songs, but everyone else decided to ditch my ass!"

"And why is that? Did they just disappear out of the blue, or was there something to warrant such events?"

"Well _I_ don't think so, but I haven't been lobotomized so excuse me if I find it hard to see their perspective."

"So, I'm assuming you don't think very highly of your former bandmates?"

"Duh! All they did was steal **my** thunder! Good-for-nothing jackasses..."

"Well, if you were in a band with them I'm assuming you got along at first. What happened?"

Puff-Puff sighed, saying more about his mental anguish than anything he had said prior. 

"I'm not gonna go all mopey sad boy on you so don't even think about pulling out that tissue box!"

"Mhm. So you were saying...?"

"Yeah... well, I met Benatar and Deejay back in high school. We all didn't have places to sit in the cafeteria, so we started sitting together and put a song together for the talent show, and I mean it sucked balls but it was fun...

"We didn't form a band yet because c'mon, what good band has _three_ members?! That's pathetic! So we put a request post on Facebook and this twenty something bastard said he could drum for us and that's how it started."

The therapist simply jotted down notes while listening intently. "Did you get along in the beginning?"

"Yeah, I mean I think so-- We had fun, and the people loved me! I got soooo many bitches, it was awesome!"

"Right... what about the others?"

"Don't say right like that! The ladies love me! Anyways, things were fuckin great at first.

"Deejay? Absolute shit at handling problems and making people feel better. But it worked for me, like y'know? I would just be like 'Man, today sucks' and he'd be like 'yeah, it sure does.' It was so blunt, like he didn't sugarcoat **anything** and told me things like _right_ to my face so I'd know.

"Axel was just happy to be included at first, but he grew on me. And so did his herpes, but that's another story."

The therapist cringed, but Puff continued. 

"He was stupid and horny like mega super duper horny, **all** this man thought about was sex if he thought at all but he was one of the gang."

The therapist looked up from his already novel-length packet of notes. "And you had sex with this man?"

"Y-yeah but not in the _fairy_ way, alright? I just have... needs and sometimes you have to have a dude help you out with them-- it's not weird!"

"Puff, it's okay if you're gay, and it's okay to experiment. You shouldn't have to get so defensive about it."

Puff's eye twitched with choler. "I am NOT gay! So, where were we?"

"You slept with your drummer Axel...?"

"Yeah, a few times--several? is that the right word?"

"So would you say this was because you cared about him deeply and wanted to show that in an intimate fashion, or was this simply a way of 'helping you out with your needs?'"

"I just wanted to get my dick wet, is that such a crime?"

"No no, keep going. So what about Benatar?"

"Benatar? Aw man I hate that guy!" Puff clenched his hand into a fist. 

"And why is that?"

"Well he's just pathetic! He's so stupid and whiny-- and he's British! He has this glossy fag hair and this dumb fucking lazy eye underneath it... he's got this voice, it's like... I don't know what it's like, okay?! He sang a lot of our songs, and the fans loved him."

"Could that perhaps be why you hold such a grudge towards him? Was it jealousy?"

"Pfft, no way! What does he have that I don't?! Dumbass was always so polite and 'Oh look a' me, Oi'm Bri'ish! I loike crumpehts and teah!'

"One time, I was fuckin pissed 'cause this bitch rejected me! And you know what he told me? He said 'Oi, i's alright. You jus' need 'o keep your head up.'"

Suddenly Puff started sobbing. The therapist slowly inched the tissue box towards him, only to have it thrown back in his face by his patient. 

"I-I don't need your eye diapers! I'm a fucking star! I should be out booking concerts right now, not paying money to talk to some cocksucker like you!"

"So, I see you resorted to 'cocksucker' as an insult. Could this be a projection, regarding your acts with Axel?"

"IT'S NOT PROJECTION! I'M STRAIGHT, DAMNIT!"

The therapist rolled his eyes, before instructing Puff to sit back down. 

"So you were saying?"

"Yeah, well-- Benatar was like, always super... what's the word? He was always so happy for 'us' whenever a song did well, and he would always make tea and crumpets being the twat he is.

"He could sing really well... and the words just came to him like... like your mom did when I was with her last night!"

The counselor face-palmed.

"I would pick fights with that fucker. 'These crumpets suck! They taste like an elephant seal's asshole!' or 'Hey Lorax balls, why don't you brush your hair out of your eyes for two seconds!'"

"Why? Did you want to upset him?"

"Well- I uh- I don't know what I wanted... but who does anyway? We're all just a bunch of gross flabby sacks of meat trying not to die. 

"I think I did want to upset him... I don't know, he was always so professional and like... nice. He didn't go with the band! We're supposed to be crude and mean and sexy and he threw it all off!"

"Do you think that maybe you felt like you didn't deserve someone like that, and because of that felt the need to stir things up?"

The ex-singer went silent for a few seconds, letting the air grow thicker with tension.

"No! Pssh, why would I sabotage myself? I'm like, well you know, I'm me!

"Besides, that's not what killed our 'friendship', anyway."

"Are you ready to tell me what it was that did?"

"I don't have to be ready for things! I'm not your fucking daughter, okay?

"So basically... I was under bus arrest--because we lived in our tour bus, right? And I had a date with this girl Tig. I kinda sorta violated my bus arrest by leaving the bus to kiss her. Totally worth it by the way, that tongue--"

The therapist cut him off, disgusted. "So, what happened then?"

"Well I got arrested, and at first we just called and it was alright. Then, my calls ran out.

"They had to bail me out, but our music was kinda like... you had to have a certain IQ to get it, y'know? So we weren't doing too hot on money then, 'cause people just didn't get it-- so they sold the bus to pay for my bail.

"We crashed at hotels and shit and it wasn't what stars like _me_ deserve but it worked fine for the others. 

"But fine is so boring. I don't wanna just live in a stupid little gay cottage with nine gay happy cats and live my life with no regrets! 

"I kept poking at Benatar, in more ways than one *but* that was a mistake I do **not** want to revisit."

The therapist sighed a sigh of relief at being spared from hearing the gritty details of Puff's love life.

"So like, he found out that I'd sleep around with the other members and he was kind of sad about that, but I mean, a man's gotta do am I right?"

"Not at all, but continue."

"He was sad because for some reason he thought that I like... cared about him especially, or something. But I don't know. Feelings like that are stupid. You know what they say about feelings, right?"

"I feel like the 'they' I hear things from is a lot different from the one you're referencing."

"Whatever, I don't care anyway. So I got frustrated with him and I said that prison was better than this, and he got super fuckin pressed like I'd pissed in his cereal or some shit. He cried through his emo bangs that we were all so mean to him and there was no point and he just wanted to make music he was 'proud of', whatever that means.

"He left and went back to see his family in England. Can't believe he chose family of all things over us..."

He paused for a moment, before continuing.

"So that left me with Deej and Axel. I freaked out at Axel later because he was pissed I made Benatar leave, and Deejay just nodded and went with him. I've tried to contact them on everything, but they're avoiding me. Serves them right, they aren't worthy of my time anyway..." Puff said, despite clearly not meaning it. He only stared at the floor, his glasses fogged into opaqueness from tears.

The prosaically-dressed therapist glanced at his watch. "It appears we're out of time. When would you like to schedule your next appointment?"

"Appointment?! Fuck that, I'm out of here! I'm not paying money for some douchebag to make me say whiny diary entries!" Puff growled, picking up the nearest lamp and throwing it against the wall. He threw a smoke bomb at the ground in order to obscure his not-so-graceful escape via window. 

\---

Puff-Puff finally found himself back at his grandma's house; where he'd been staying since the other members left him.

He went to his room and got on his computer, hoping to be able to take his mind off what he had told the bland-looking counselor. 

But no matter where he looked, everything reminded him of his mistakes. He looked down at his phone pensively. He picked it up, and attempted to call Benatar, as he'd felt most horrible about his treatment of him.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. "Oh? Hello? This is Benatar-- humble keytarist! I apologize for the inconvenience, you've failed to reach me at this time. Leave a message after the beep, if you'd like..."_

_Beep._

_"Hey Benatar. This is Puff. I don't know if you're hearing this. I kinda hope you're not, 'cause I've been like, a huge douchebag to you. Uhm, I-uh, I miss singing with you guys and- I'm... sorry. Let me know if you get this, or don't since I kinda fucked things up. Uh... how do you say goodbye in Britain? Pip pip, cheerio? Bad joke bad joke, whatever just... yeah. I miss you guys."_

**Author's Note:**

> This was kind of just an over dramatic vent thing but I do have fun writing about these characters. I don't know if I'll do more of this story specifically but let me know if you'd like to read more. I know this story is probably really funny because it's so dramatic and it's about YFM of all things but I liked it a little and I wanted to feed my fellow YFM fans.


End file.
